MY INNER SELF IN REGARDS TO "EROTIC CITIES THE FLIP-SIDE

As a writer you come to see, find, seek, learn are taught, evaluate, calculate, observe. And develop into so many things, consciously and unconsciously. You will also see and notice a lot of things that dwell on the inside of you. Which also able you to see and discern things in others.
Writers tend to think and analyze and at times if not more than not a lot. They also can over analyze things and not see the big picture, or see too much of the big picture. Very oxymoron isn’t it?
In growing, failing, falling, not listening, not living or loving as I should have in my life. At times being so critical of those around me, as well of myself. I decided to write on something that I have been battling for most of my life. And not place myself behind any character, just be “me” To relate the true and inner me, rather that be too much for some to handle, or not enough. Rather it comes across unattractive to some. Words do speak volumes. And writers share their lives, hopes, dreams, desires, wants and needs in their writing. They tell you who they really are. Even if I take a story of what someone has given me, and I write in a novel. And places and people, scenes have changed. But the story is still conveyed. It is the ultimate decision of the writer to take you where he/she wants you to go. They have placed themselves in Alpha Omega Syndrome. They are the beginning and the end for you, it was done their way.
Because of my journey, things I have experienced, and honestly read about. They took me to all sorts of places and desires. Then there were the things that I seen, and that placed me on an entire different level with what I desired. And once I actually felt and gone through some of those things. It was then that certain vice’ and subconscious and un-subconsciously I DESIRED to have certain things and want certain things.
Let me elaborate and now get to the point of this. I was speaking to a friend of mine, telling them that if someone told you to choose your favorite food. And told you , you had to eat twice a day for a month. Afterwards you would not want to see, smell, or even taste that dish for a very long time because you had it so much. They agreed, well, in my journey of life, some of what makes me the way, and has shaped some of me in my life. It has been my SEXUAL PROWESS. And because I have been a woman who didn’t have inhibitions of or whom I was. There was no fear in expressing it verbally, showing it or giving it. Not to the point that I was or have been with thousands of men!! No, no, no. But it is a root of addiction. And I was conscience in not spreading myself thin and having sex with anyone who asked or who was attracted to me, or I them.
My journey, some things I went through as a child and a teenager. I took the wrong path with certain decisions in my life. Not truly paying attention, staying in a betwixt set of surreal emotions. Some that had me bamboozled in my way of life, or a portion of it.
As I was telling you the conversation I was having with a very close friend about eating the same thing for a month. Well, I had come to live in a place where it was overwhelming for me. And I saw myself in all of the same shenanigans, but like it was my past and I was re-living it. Like the thing (sex) I never had issues with. That is until I came to the city of Atlanta. There were people like me to the twenty-fifth power. There were people who were not afraid to ask for it, do it to whom and as many times as they liked. Here it was when I saw myself, an image, a likeness, (strong likeness) of how I PERCEIVED things. How it was okay to be who I was, because I had control and decorum. Or so I thought.
When I came to Atlanta, it was as if I had stepped into Las Vegas, everything here was legal. Even though call girl rings and prostitutes were arrested. Even though you can’t walk down the street with a drink in your hand like you can Las Vegas. The mood, the conversation, the looks, the vibe, it is very sexual. And it made me see me in so many people, and that it was so much that I was now, a woman who is sexual. Get totally turned off by all the vulgarity of it all. Not wanting to deal with me, my temptations, (and I would love to do that) off! I was now getting angry and peeved by the many men who approached me, by the many men who I had told more than several times I didn’t want to sleep with them. It was mad crazy for me!
I know about a lot of writers/authors in the literary world that write sexual trysts, stories, novels, romance, XXX literature. For me, that would have been to easy. And not what I felt would truly be me. Even as sexual and open as I am, I could not fasten myself to just write sexual literature. Again, please, this is to no disrespect to those writers/authors that do. There is a audience for all types of writers. I have written sexual things, poems, but it is still a subject that is not always comforting to me to write. How many times can you write about doing someone in different places and relationships? For me, my calling was into writing things that would make one think. Real talk, real issues, things we question ourselves about. When I write, I read, and I teach to myself as well. So I am the choir.
It is funny how you can be, live, sleep and eat in one place. And do all the same things you have done all your life. And go somewhere else and do the same exact things. But you are now seeing you, yourself in a different light. ????? This is not to say that people do not live by their lust in other cities, states, countries or Islands. And that people are not off into some crazy or menacing things other places. It was just that when I saw an image of myself to the hundredth power, I had to teach, preach and reevaluate myself and the things I thought and felt. I learned so much more of myself, people I came across in my journey in Atlanta saw and shown me so many things of myself, truths that hurt, and truths that were extremely real. And not all of these lessons were given in or around the sexual genre. No not all, I worked on improving me as a person. And saw a lot of my flaws. And a lot of my walls and guards and selfishness. But that is another story.
So I write this time with no characters, no short stories or novels, no poems. And I have been privileged and blessed to write a weekly column that I will post once the original is written on other websites. So that maybe, just maybe someone somewhere out there will understand, see, feel, and be open to the lyrical café I bring from the heart.
Maybe it will assist in one seeing themselves as I take them on a journey, a rediscovery if you will. Because in the end, all the things you enjoy doing. All the things rather they are good or bad. Some of them as you grow and put away “those childish things” you will do less of, if not ever at all. I have met a few senior citizens that play tennis, but never and not to the velocity that they did when they were young. I have met some senor citizens that are on hard drugs as well. But they don’t get high like they use to. Some things you shed is what I am saying. Some people do push it to the wire. While others grow and say “I have had enough” Now I am not saying that I will no longer have sex. Because I do want to with my husband. I am only stating that some things do have to come to and end. Rather that be clubbing, hanging with friends all the time, always at the bar, playing professional sports, you get my meaning.
I have a deeper mission here. And because this issue (column) comes from home (me) I feel what better person given the opportunity to format an article one a week about how “some of us” view sex. And why do we run so hard towards it? Why do we lust so much for it? Why does it rule so much in some of our lives? And how and where does the addiction, want, desire and need come from? Where does the journey start for a lot?
Thank you for you time, God bless……
“Just Toy”
Written Expressions
4/2009